“And whatever you do, McCall, do NOT Google,” my sister’s stern voice echoed through my phone. It was the day Marjorie was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. I knew she was right. Nothing good would come from a Google search. Her advice became my North Star throughout Marjorie’s cancer, pneumonia, hospital stays, and countless worry filled nights. I tried my best to never Google. Of course, I had my moments and found my way to the Google machine, which never served me well.
When I made the difficult decision to undergo a prophylactic double mastectomy, I did little research. I trusted the surgeons and went with the expander/implant suggestion. Zero questions asked. I was not a great candidate for DIEP and cutting my body apart and losing nipples did not sound appealing to me (at the time).
As I now face Operation Evict Implants via the DIEP surgery, I am breaking my ‘Do Not Google’ rule. I am Googling the shit out of DIEP Flap surgery. Not to worry, my new Google tactic has been cleared by my therapist.
And here is why…
From January through May 2021, I underwent SEVEN surgeries, countless IVs, and PICC lines. The serratia infection left my body ravaged. Each time I awoke from surgery, I looked down in shock. Whether it was after the first mastectomy surgery or after the infection that left me with a wound vac. My boob looked like a scene out of a horror film. For days, the foreign machine sucked my left breast like a cryovac machine.
And then there was the time I was left without an implant for a week. My skin and nipple folded up and sunken in like a bomb site. Every day for months, I peered down at my deformed chest and sob.
One question repeated in my head, “What have I done? What have I done?”
Each surgery left me with a new nightmare of disfigurement. Four years later, I continue to look in the mirror at my disfigured chest. This time, I want to be prepared for what might come.
I need to see what my ‘After’ might look like because it will, once again, not be normal. There is a very solid chance my nipples will be tossed out with my implants. At first, I thought I didn’t care. Who needs nipples? Well technically, I do not *need* them, but I would like to have them. I know, I know. They can graft them, tattoo them, copy and paste them on at a later date, but I am trying to prepare for what will be post surgery. No more nightmare boob jump scares, please. I have had my fill.
Understanding the surgery at a basic level and visually seeing what the outcome might be helps me feel a tiny bit more empowered. My mastectomy journey left me feeling helpless and afraid of every needle and person that came into my room. Google gives me answers that help ease my anxiety.
There is also an imperfect balance that comes with the Google machine. I joined a DIEP Flap Support Group on Facebook. After one scroll through the group, I left. I get how it works for many people, but I don’t have the emotional space to carry other people’s stories right now. I also was not prepared for the nipple-less jump scare photos that popped up on my Facebook feed. I exited the group and marked a win for holding a boundary.
Google remains my friend acquaintance. I Google with intention. I try (imperfectly) not to look up risks of what ‘might’ happen, but rather stick to the facts. I am having this surgery. Fact. There is a solid chance I will come out without nipples. Fact. Google also helps me understand my recovery. While my mom and I were certified drain professionals in 2021, this surgery includes major abdominal recovery. Insert new recovery certification.
My therapist and I are meeting weekly leading up to Eviction Day. Each week I limp into her office with another traumatic trigger, sleepless night, and countdown anxiety (33 days). She encourages me to find the balance of Google and self care. The see-saw of empowerment in knowledge and knowing when to close the computer, sit in stillness and feel the feelings. Forever the theme of my life.
BRB Googling “How to feel the damn feelings”…
All that while still helping others what a gem